Brain fart
Yesterday afternoon, I called my mother from my cell
phone because no way in hell is she EVER getting my house phone number. I asked if she
wanted to see the kids the afternoon of Easter, i.e., after church service. She
was on her way out the door and asked I call later in the evening.
After dinner, like I usually do, I was hanging out in my
tree house (detached garage), listening to a passionate lecture on Song of
Solomon chapter 2 on my iPad. I was in a terrific place emotionally and spiritually.
My daughter walks in with the house phone and tells me my mother is on the
phone. Puzzled I ask her how that was possible. I never gave her the number. My
special-needs daughter—with zero executive-level discretion—called my mother
from my house phone about the possibility of a visit tomorrow primarily because I stupidly opened my mouth and mentioned the possibility to the kids.
I was angry but had to temper my anger. You see, my
daughter has the perfect mix of mental illnesses that if I get upset, regardless of
whether I’m justified and righteous in my anger, she gets upset. Her episodes can last as long as 90 minutes. The last and final episode landed her on a psych
hold in which I had to make it clear it was no longer safe for my son and I to live
in the same house with her.
So you can imagine it was the ultimate mind fuck when she asked, “Are you
mad at me?” “Do you still love me?” “Can I get a hug?”
I spoke with my mother. She asked what I would be during
her visit with them, her grandchildren. I said I would sit right there with
them, keep quiet and busy doing something else. Then she made her declaration
of stupidity: “If I can’t see my grandchildren alone then I don’t want to see
them at all.” Shocked and stunned, I was able to utter in peace, “Okay. I
certainly understand. Thanks.” I should have hung up the phone but continued
listening. She asked to speak with my daughter so I handed back the phone.
I let my daughter hug me as she left.
Heart attack
I felt as if I had been kicked in the heart. Here I am,
once again, extending the olive branch because my kids have a right to visit
their grandparents and vice-versa. I didn’t want to interfere with what I felt
was a basic right.
However, I had the presence of mind to ask God a direct
question: Tell me who I am, Lord. He reminded me of the following:
- I am a queen, i.e., betrothed to the King of Kings
- I’m saved and set free
- Though I am dark, I am lovely
- I am successful because He loves me and I love Him
- I am His delight
- I am marvelous, wonderful, awesome because He is IN me
- I am beautiful because He finds me beautiful.
- I'm fearfully and wonderfully made
- I'm God's masterpiece
- I’m a great mom
I asked what I should do about the fact that my
mother—and now my entire family of origin—has my phone number? He said to block
her number. If others call, block their numbers as they call.
Dreaming with God
Despite prescription sleeping medication, I had a hard
time falling asleep. When I finally did, I had a rather interesting dream …
with Mario Cuomo, of all people. We, along with a team of first responders were
heading down a deep hole for a major search and rescue operation. Everyone but
me had received a hard hat. Halfway down, I ask Mario, “How important is the
hard hat?” He tells me to go back up and get one. When I awoke and gave it some
thought, I figured out I had not donned my armor of God from Ephesians 6. Had I
donned the Helmet of Salvation, it’s not likely I ever would have made that call.
I made contact because in my heart of hearts, I want
reconciliation. After all, the work of the saints is that of reconciliation,
right? But after talking with other believers at church this morning, I quickly
figured out that I made a mistake. I dug this hole. I needed to get out. I
wasn’t adequately prepared for what was to come. The fiery arrows got through
and I got burned deeply.
So today, Easter Sunday, is a quiet day to reflect on the work Jesus did
on the cross almost 2,000 years ago. What I have to remember is he died for my
mother as well as for me. Therefore, it’s His job to save and reconcile her to
himself, NOT ME. My job is to let go.
Who is that bee anyway?
Did I mention my mother's name is Bi, pronounced Bee? Go figure. Anyway, ...
Twice before my mother lead the charge to take my
special-needs daughter from me. The first attempt was to outright get custody
of her when she was age 15. She lost and was humiliated in court by the court
investigator’s report. It detailed her attempted manipulation of the family
court system and caught her in a lie.
The second time, she maneuvered to assume conservatorship
and delayed it for two years. She rallied my in-laws on both occasions and in
the second round made the same claims of abuse, severe neglect and fiscal
irresponsibility of my daughter’s SSA funding, i.e., her father’s death benefit.
She also obtained a blatantly false statements from my in-laws and my sister.
Both of these attempts to bear extremely false witness
against me got them nothing. I won both cases primarily because of the first
rule of crime scene investigation: evidence cannot lie. There was absolutely no
evidence of any wrongdoing on my part and I’ve been twice cleared by child
protective services.
My mother knew my father was sexually molesting me and chose to do nothing about it, a typical scenario for a home where abuse is prevelant. Mercifully, God made sure I didn't remember the abuse until I was an adult, old enough to handle that type of news. The sad thing is I think the reason she has such a hard-on for me is she believes I remembered and was lording our relationship over her.
In fact, when I was 14-years-old, I was living with my father because my mother couldn't stand me. One evening she called and they had an argument. Dad hands me the phone and I say, "Hi Mom." The first words out of her mouth were, "You're sleeping with him, aren't you?" I never forgot it because I never understood it. Now I get it.
At the end of the day
By the end of this month, I will be relinquishing my tour
of doody (trying to be funny!) as conservator. She is in the best possible
situation, fully supported in a group home.
What’s interesting is that the cost of fighting for
custody and conservatorship nearly cost me my home. I’m in the process of
working with my mortgage servicer to modify the loan payment to a level I can
reasonably afford. God willing, we will get through this rough patch.
I’ve contemplated countersuing them for abuse of
service, lawyer fees, defamation of character and punitive damages but I’m done
looking back. My future lies ahead, not behind. Onward and upward Christian
soldier. God’s got my back.
Very interesting response to this post received via
e-mail
dated April 12, 2012
A woman who I'll call Lourdes, sent me an e-mail. She
didn't feel comfortable posting a response but I'll post it here anyway. I
thought her insight was invaluable and others in similar situations should read
this.
Dear Emiliana,
I discovered your blog posting and read all about the
histrionic attacks your mother has perpetuated on you since childhood and her
inappropriate sexual innuendos and passive-aggressive attacks to take away your
children. The reason I am writing to you is because I believe that your mother has a classic case of Histrionic Personality Disorder
(with Passive-Aggressive tendencies). The main thing you have to remember with
Passive Aggressive anger is that it is a covert stubborn resistance to
cooperate with others in order to GAIN CONTROL AND INFLICT PUNISHMENT (get
even) because of retaliation and revenge.
They get you back by being very covert about what they're doing to you
(their tactics) and they want to punish you or they want revenge on you because
you are not cooperating with their agenda. My mother-in-law has this exact same
disorder and I consider her a dangerous woman. A few years ago, I discovered a
book that has changed my life, because it has taught me how to deflect her
histrionic temper tantrums and protect myself from her covert,
passive-aggressive attacks.
The book is called "Emotional Vampires"
by Dr. Albert Bernstein
I cannot stress how this book has SAVED MY LIFE.
I highly recommend this book. In fact, it was so highly
received by the public that the doctor is updating the book with new material
and a new version will be released in June. But don't wait! Get the book as
soon as possible so you can start deflecting her passive-aggressive histrionic
temper tantrums and attacks.
Do it for you and do it for your kids so they can see
their mom taking control of her life.
I can't advise you on the legalities of suing your Mother or In-Laws for
the money you lost based on false, baseless allegations, but if you can prove
some kind of motive (such as custody or money), then you might have a strong
case. Only an attorney can advise you to move forward on such a case. But usually with such relatives,
you have to severely limit visitation.
All I can say is, I'm sorry you have such a lousy mother. I also had a
very bad mother and I try to make it up by being a great mother to my kids. You
seem like a really strong person. Hope this year brings you much success and
only good news.
Best Regards,
Lourdes
After I asked her to post these comments here she
replied:
Since I am not a degreed psychologist, it probably
wouldn't be appropriate for me to blog about it. However, for a layman, I have
excellent experience in diagnosing and recognizing symptoms of personality
disorders and may consider
writing something about it in the context of writing, i.e. creating fictional
characters with personality disorders. Scarlett O'Hara is considered a classic example of
Historionic Personality Disorder!!!
First things first, definitely read the book. Then reread it. You will
find yourself reading it over and over for the next few years. And, by all
means, START WITH CHAPTER ONE. Don't skip and go right to your mother's
disorder because you will be doing yourself a disservice. You need to
understand ALL THE DISORDERS to really get an idea how people with disorders
can have a little of each
but overall be only one disorder.
If
you have any questions. Any at all.
Ask. Don't be afraid. I've been there, done that. I understand what you're going through and how the
book will make you feel EMPOWERED. My
mother was [Latina] and she had the same thing. I grew up thinking all
[Latin] women were character-disordered. There is light after the
tunnel.
Based on what I read, I don't think your mother was borderline, but she
may have some OVERALL TRAITS of Borderline Personality Disorder. Borderline,
according to Dr.Bernstein, is not the most pervasive of all the personality
traits and is NOT in the book.
Best Regards,
Lourdes
So for all y'all who have issues just like me, you're not
alone and you're definitely NOT crazy.
ABOUT BORICUA CONFIDENTIAL©™Boricua Confidential chronicles my new life as a single mom of two kids after my husband died from medullary thyroid cancer on our son's seventh birthday in 2006. Join me on this journey of change, revival, reformation, discovery and new direction ordered of God. Find and follow me at these locations:
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